Last night I have no recollections of any dreams. Not even a vague sense. Instead I will share my very disturbing dream from June 9th (5 days ago)
dream – It starts out, I’m going to be camping. It is close to dark. I’m with some people and there’s 5 different hot tubs there. I’m excited at the prospect of all of us sitting in our own hot tub and having a conversation at the same time. I’m also excited about the idea of smoking pot (marijuana). I arrived there with one person and there’s another person that I kind of know who works at the campground. He is showing me and my friend, a girl (who is unclear) around. There is a gravel driveway. To the left of the driveway is an office. We are in there talking at one point. To the right is where you would set up a tent, there are a few spots. Further up the drive is where the hot tubs are. Each hot tub is behind a door. There are 2 along this driveway. Then the building turns left. And there are 2 more on this part. There is 1 in the corner. There is a sidewalk lining the building. Around the back of all this there was a separate house. They were having a party and somehow I end up back there with the guy who works at the campground. There is a girl who lives at the house and it’s her party. She has dark semi-curly hair. I’m standing outside, but the door of the party is open. I’m smoking pot with the guy. He blows out a big puff of smoke and disappears. I understand he didn’t just disappear, but in the puff of smoke he walked into the house. I’m looking for him. I go in the house. I tell the girl who’s party it is that I’m looking for the guy. That there was a puff of smoke and he disappeared. He shows up. I say something like, “there you are”. I feel very high. Fuzzy, wobbly, cloudy, like everything is going, wah – wah – wah. I wasn’t sure how to interact with people in this high state.
I decide to go to the front of the house. I want to scope out the hot tubs. I’m thinking it would be nice to chill in the hot tub and smoke some more. As I’m walking up the driveway, I hear somebody say something about, “cops are here, be kool”. I have some weed or a joint or something in my hand. I cup it in my palm and casually stroll up to the hot tubs, I pass them and then go around back. This time being around back doesn’t lead me to the party, but to the tents. I didn’t want to go to the hot tubs and have the police approach me. I wanted to sneak away and hide in a tent.
The tent is not set up though. It is something that stays at the campground. It is fixed in the ground. It lays flat. I lift it and crawl in. You have to put it up in the middle and then fasten the 4 sides to make it stand. As I’m doing this, 1 of the cops appears outside the tent. Be kool, I think. He asks if I want his help. I don’t want to give myself away, so I tell him, “That would be great, thanks”. He comes in the tent to help me. Then a second cop is there. They are helping me and talking to me. I don’t feel high anymore. The first cop starts talking about smoking pot and it makes me uncomfortable. I look at him and his eyes are grey and lifeless (they look exactly like the dead eyes from the girl in the show I was watching that night, “Humans”). I freak out and run out of the tent. I go to the office building and there’s a girl that works there. I ask her “what the hell is up with the cop? His eyes are grey.” She tells me I’m crazy. The cop comes over to us and his eyes look normal. Part of me wonders if this is because I’m high, but I think, no way. I know what I saw. I tell the cop to get the hell away from me. He tells me it was the other cop that has weird eyes. The other cop shows up and I look at him. His eyes are fading to the dead grey look.
I’m freaking out. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t understand. Are they fuking with me? Are they aliens, demons, cops trying to bust me? I’m so confused and scared and I don’t know what to believe or who to trust.
My friend from waking life, K, is there. There’s more people now. 5 – 10. It’s almost full dark. I have a knife, like a big hatchet kitchen knife. I threaten them to stay the hell away from me. Somebody says something about the fact that soon I won’t be able to see and then they will come after me. I hold the knife out in front of me and start spinning in circles. I’m chanting something. Something like, “I’m gonna spin till the sun comes up. Keep spinning till the sun comes up” The idea was they couldn’t see either and if they came at me they would get stabbed. They taunted me and said I couldn’t last. I would get dizzy and/or tired. I knew I could last, I had to last till morning. I was not getting dizzy.
I kept telling them to stay the hell away from me. I didn’t want to cut them, but I was terrified. They circled me. A circle outside of the circle I was making. K comes at me. She gets cut. I tell her to stop. I don’t want to hurt her. It’s like these people are sending her after me because they know I won’t want to cut her. She doesn’t seem evil, maybe she is trapped under their spell. The people are feeling more and more wicked. Looming. Viscious. Plotting. Taunting. I’m very scared. K comes at me again. She gets cut again. I remember cutting, blood, The knife shaves off her skin on her forarm. I can see the wound. I am seriously upset, I don’t want to hurt her, but I am afraid to stop spinning in circles. I’m afraid the others will get me. I keep telling her to stop coming at me. Telling the others to stop sending her. To just leave me alone. I won’t stop spinning, they will keep getting cut. Just stop. Please just stop. In the back of my mind I want to stop spinning, I really don’t want to hurt K, but I’m scared.
I was chanting and spinning in a circle at the point I woke up. I was feeling very, very upset. I didn’t want to write this dream at first because it was so disturbing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to remember it. That’s pretty typical for me. If I have a disturbing dream, I just want to forget it. I’m afraid to breathe life into it. But then I thought in the name of dream work I should write it down.
Dream Analysis – Before I went to bed, I gazed into my eyes in the mirror and told myself I was going to realize I was dreaming. An idea from John Jr. I was going to give myself clues. I was going to pick up on these clues and become lucid. I would face my fears. I would not run away. I would engage the dream. I am not afraid. I will face my fears.
Maybe that is why this scary stuff happened. And K as a person represents to me peace and love and light. All that is good and pure. So she was there to make me stop. To face the fear. But, I couldn’t. I failed.
I seemed very obsessed with smoking pot in this dream and I’m not sure why. (I haven’t been a smoker for years and years and years) This was the first time I ever remember being high in a dream. I keep dreaming about marijuana and the police, typically together, but not always. It makes since I guess, the police busting up the pot, but I don’t have a direct problem with police in my life. I don’t do anything illegal. I just have a problem with them in general. (especially if you want to start talking about officers killing unarmed people) I have a general dislike of authority. Particularly a dislike of people who abuse authority. And a hatred of double standards.
Above is what I wrote before. Now, after re-reading this for probably the 20th time (because I’ve been having a hard time processing it) I have a new thought about it. I was in an elevated state of being. I was obsessed in a way with being “high.” Though I’m not a smoker, I don’t see anything wrong with it and am not opposed to the idea of certain drugs bringing on different types of consciousness. It’s possible this seeking to be “high” could be a reflection of my wanting to uplift my spirit in general. In doing spiritual work/self work. Trying to get to the root of issues and look at the core of my stories and what makes me up and what of those stories need to be re-written or deleted.
When on this path it can be difficult to know how to interact with other people. To not feel like a weirdo or outsider in a way. I am somewhat ashamed/embarrassed/uncomfortable with the part of myself that wants to meditate, do reiki work, be a vegan, read tarot, hug a tree, etc. Even though that is who I’ve been most my life, and even though I admire many people who are on this path, I still associate a negative connotation with all of it. Perhaps it is societal conditioning.
If we want to look at our dreams in a way that says all aspects of the dream are a part of ourselves, then at the end I was fighting off myself. Even just within me I was conflicted. I often feel there are 2 of me battling for control, or that I’m working against myself, or just constantly in internal conflict. In the dream, I’m hurting myself (K) and am upset about it, but I’m afraid to stop. What happens if I stop holding myself back?