I am not typically one for sharing dreams of a sexual nature. But between John Jr’s courage to do so, among a few other bloggers who have been very open with their dreams (walkthesacredearth, Dayna) I decided to share this one. Also, specifically because it was a lucid dream and the whole point of this blog is to discuss lucid experiences.
I have a need to include all detail, but if the beginning of the dream is boring, just scroll ahead to where I become lucid.
The early memories in the dream are vague. I think I was visiting two friends, but I couldn’t sleep at their house. Somehow Nahko (a singer/musician) was going to be staying nearby and invited me to stay at his house for as long as I needed. I had been showing up late, sleeping, and leaving in the morning. Not really ever seeing him. I’m not sure if all this is just a dream memory or if I actually experienced it in the dream.
What I do remember is coming up to his house. It’s 11 o’clock at night. I have to walk up a couple stairs to a wooden porch to the front door. The door is an off white/beige color and there is an oval window in the top half of the door. Through the glass, I see him sitting on the couch. Normally I would have just walked in and gone to the room to sleep, but because he’s there I don’t want to just intrude. I very lightly knock, so as not to disturb anyone else, but to make my presence known, and then walk in. When I walk in I hear his girlfriend talking loudly to him from what I’m guessing is the bedroom. She is somewhat angry. I think she is angry at my presence.
I end up sitting down on a chair diagonal from him. I think maybe he asked me to. He wanted to talk to me. He asked me how long I planned on staying. I said I just made plans to stay for 2 more nights in addition to this night. He asked how long I’d already been staying. I said this would be my third night. He said he needed my last night to be (maybe Friday? I don’t remember the exact day). I said, so you mean tonight? He said, yes. He seemed a bit annoyed that I had been continuing to sleep there so many nights, but at the same time it seems like he feels bad that he’s now telling me I can’t stay any longer. I get the feeling he has no problem with me staying, but his girlfriend is kind of pissed and that’s why he’s telling me I can’t stay anymore. I think that is what they were fighting/talking about when I showed up.
He asks me if I have somewhere else to stay. I think about a few options in my mind, but realize I really don’t. I tell him, not really, but it’s no big deal. I’ll figure something out. I’ll pull off on the side of the road, into a little cove of trees and sleep in my car. He looks like he feels bad. I say to him, “I understand why you need me to leave. That’s why I’ve asked you every single night if it’s ok if I keep sleeping here. You keep ensuring me I can stay as long as I want, that it’s no problem. But I’ve continued to ask if you’re sure, because I know it can be inconvenient to have someone stay at your house. So I get it, and it’s kool. Don’t worry about it.”
The dream gets weird and incoherent after this
There is a scene where my mom and me are sitting at his kitchen table. A bit away from the kitchen, next to a bay window. My Mom and I are packing little bags full of weed (marijuana). My mom makes some comment about this, some advice, something. I don’t remember. Nahko comes over and he’s sloppy drunk. He’s not really making any sense, acting super weird, slightly annoying and being kind of ridiculous. I tell me my mom, “He’s drunk. Ignore him.”
Then there is a scene where some famous musician who is Nahko and is not Nahko at the same time is sitting on that same couch and I am sitting on that same chair where we were when talking about me needing to leave. The TV is on and he’s watching it. There is a very awkward and uncomfortable silence between us. I turn my head left to look at the TV. It is some kind of dog show. Like a dog competition where they prance around and do tricks. I’m wondering why in the heck he’s watching this and there’s no way I’m gonna watch it. I try to connect with him and engage conversation. I ask him if he knows Nahko, knowing full well that he does. I think I am trying to impress him with the fact that I also know Nahko. He says he does. I ask him if he knows that Nahko lives very close to here. He doesn’t answer. I tell him I had just been at Nahko’s house. He doesn’t care. Then I say, “Well, I don’t really know Nahko all that well, but he let me crash at his house a few days.” The guy doesn’t answer. It is very uncomfortable so I decide to go to bed.
Next scene – I’m lying on a bed, getting ready to go to sleep, but the lights are still on. I’m in Nahko’s house. Nahko comes into the room and lies on the bed as well. He doesn’t have a shirt on. In waking life Nahko is covered in tattoos, but he did not have tattoos in the dream.
Nahko has been writing a book. Or maybe he’s finished the book already. He wants to give me a copy. He’s leaning up against the headboard of the bed. He has a book in his hand with blank pages. He’s going to type the pages and put them inside the book. He starts reading the book to me in a seductive way. He begins severely flirting with me and insinuating we have sex. He doesn’t touch me though. I keep insisting on how that’s not going to happen, but I don’t kick him out of the room. We keep talking and he keeps flirting. This goes on awhile. Eventually I tell him, “It’s not that I’m not interested, I am. But I don’t think your girlfriend in the next room would appreciate you being in here.” He says he’s already taken care of her. So she’s good. I take that to mean that they’ve already had sex and she’s sleeping. I say, “I don’t think your girlfriend would feel that way.” He says it’s fine. I say I would definitely be breaking some kind of girl code to be hooking up with her boyfriend when she is in the next room. How would he feel if she had sex with him, and then while he’s sleeping she went to the next room and had sex with another guy? He looks at me like I’m completely crazy. Like there’s no way in the world something like that would ever happen. Like girls have sex once and then there done and out for the count. I say something like, “What? You don’t think a girl can have sex 10 times in a night? Have sex, wait a few minutes, have sex again, wait a bit, have sex again?” As I’m saying all this I somehow realize it’s a dream. Maybe just the strangeness of it. Or perhaps the famliarness of it. I don’t know. I just realize it’s a dream.
So, in my opinion, here’s the disappointing part. I had specific goals for my lucid dream experience. But here I am, in a bed, with a half naked, incredibly hot man who is trying to seduce me and I realize it’s a dream. So do I fly off to some important dream mission? No, of course not. Instead I tell him, “Oh, you know what? This is a dream. It doesn’t even matter. So I’m going to make a bad choice right now and kiss you.”
I lean in against him and kiss him. Somehow though the pages of the book are in between us and the book is in my mouth. It’s like I’m making out with a book and I taste the paper and the ink and I feel the edges of the paper in my mouth. I feel the pages crumbling and becoming wadded in my mouth. They stay dry the whole time, not wet with spit. What the heck? I think. I pull the book away and throw it across the room. I put my arm behind him and lower him down onto the bed and lye on top of him. Then I begin properly kissing him on the mouth. I can feel the softness of his lips. The scruff on his face. The warm moisture in his mouth. That’s better, I think.
So this next part is very bizarre. We’re making out. His face is solid, I feel his hands, most of his arms, his lower legs (calf) and his feet. But the rest of his body is really weird. Empty in a way. It’s hard to describe. Imagine if he were a stuffed animal. It was like his head and extremities were stuffed fairly well, but his torso, quads, and upper arms were lacking. There were chunks of stuffing here and there, but flat in other places. It was the oddest feeling. I’m lying on top of him and while some place in him felt solid, other places were flat and empty. So kind of bumpy feeling, almost like a half empty bag of rocks. It was very bothersome and distracting. I was enjoying making out, but it didn’t quite feel real because of the weirdness of his body. I didn’t think to change him. It didn’t occur to me to focus on making him whole. I think my hormones were a bit too out of control to think straight.
So as we’re making out, he reaches his hand down and -is stimulating me- It felt so unbelievably real. I couldn’t believe it. Exactly how it would feel in waking life with the pleasure radiating outwards throughout my body. I was kind of blown away by this. I became so focused on that feeling and shocked that it felt so real. I just never thought something in a dream could feel this unbelievably real and incredible. (Though I have had lucid sex dreams in the past, it has been a long time and I can’t remember if those feelings were the same as this one). I became concerned about my actual body in the waking world. I couldn’t remember where my waking body was. I think because I had been dreaming that I was sleeping at someone else’s house I thought maybe I actually was. I was way to overwhelmed with hormones to be able to think straight and know my body was alone in my bed. I became concerned that my physical body was at someone else’s house masturbating and what if someone else was in the room with me and what would they think? It just seemed so impossible that I could be experiencing this strong feeling/sensation that was exactly accurate to waking life without actually stimulating myself in waking life to create the feeling.
I had to check in with my waking life, sleeping body. I really did not want to go away from this experience with Nahko. Aside from the weirdness of his half full body, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. But I just had to know what was happening with my body. I tried really, really hard to maintain the dream, while at the same time bringing my awareness to my physical body. This experience is also very hard to explain.
I tried to split my mind in half in a way. Let’s say the left half stayed with Nahko in the dream. Continuing to feel his body against mine. To see him and the bed we were on. The right half disassociated from this reality and went in search of my body. Imagine a staircase. The bottom of the stairs is deep in the dream. The 10th step is the top of the stairs, full waking reality. While the left side maintained connection to the bottom of the stairs, the right side walked up a step. Slightly closer to waking reality, but overall mostly immersed in the dream. I searched for my body. No clue. So the right side walked up another step. Where am I? What’s going on? No clue. The right side went up to the third step. Searching for my body, searching with no luck. Up another step. I begin to feel slightly disconnected from the dream now. Trying to maintain one half of me fully immersed in the dream with the other side nearly half way up the steps was too much. Just as if you are actually on stairs trying to have one foot at the bottom and one foot on the 4th step. It becomes a little difficult. So I disconnected my left side slightly from the dream and went up a step. The right side went up one more as well. Now, straddled between the 1st and 5th steps. It was like my vision was overlayed with the dream scene on top of a hazy grey version of the dream. I still couldn’t find my body. Another step higher, searching. Now it was almost like the right side was floating, hovering, searching for my body, the left side a bit less engaged in the dream. The sensations and colors not as intense, but still there. The right side was beginning to feel a stronger connection to my body, but I still couldn’t quite sense it or what was happening with it. A step higher. Straddling the the third and 7th steps. The dream now a bit transparent, more grey than a clear image, the sensations of the dream vague. My body tingling slightly from Nahko’s contact, but no longer strong. With my right side I can kind of see/sense my body. I now realize where it is. In my bed, at home. But what are my hands doing? At this point I have to know if I’m stimulating myself in waking life in order to create the sensations I’ve been feeling. The right side goes further up the stairs, the left follows. My right side is sifting around. As if the conscious awareness in the right side has reached an invisible hand down into my physical body and is searching around to get a feel of it. It’s almost as if I can touch my own body, only it does not feel solid at all. The left side of my awareness is very grey now with only a slight image of the dream filtering through the greyness. And only a mild tingling sensation lingers in the background where Nahko’s hands still seek excitement. One more step up, straddling the 5th and 9th steps. Reaching my astral? hand into my physical hand to connect the two and find out where exactly is my physical hand – I’ve gone too far. My full consciousness returns to my body in order to feel my hands and I awaken. I’m lying on my stomach. Both hands tucked under my pillow, completely still. The ‘turned on’ feeling now gone.
Dammit! Why’d I wake myself up, I think.
I explain the whole experience slowly, bit by bit, because that’s how it seemed to happen. The process of trying to check in with my body and then waking up seemed to last at least 5 minutes. It was very slow and gradual as I was trying very hard to hold onto the dream. It’s possible I could have slipped back into it had I tried, but instead I chose to record it. While recording the dream I kept burping up all this incredibly acidic stuff. I felt like I was gonna vomit, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop burping and the taste was horrid. Every burp full of stomach acid/bile. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I have no idea if there is some kind of connection between my experience and the burping stomach acid, but I would really like to know.
So, honestly I am disappointed with this experience. Maybe I shouldn’t be, because while writing it I’m realizing it was pretty incredible. Between the life-like sensation and more so the very slow, gradual waking up. On the one hand, I should not have been so surprised by the life like sensation. I know how real dreams appear. I know how strong a sensation can be in a dream. I don’t think I should have questioned it. But the experience of separating myself into 2 halves, 2 overlaying experiences, and gradually edging my way to consciousness, was pretty amazing. Prior to this in dreams I have either consciously blown myself completely out of a dream rather quickly or a lucid dream has pushed me out somewhat slowly, completely out of my control. To where things turn grey, become transparent, start shaking and I wake up. (you can read about a dream like that here) Usually that experience lasts an average of 30 seconds. In this experience it lasted forever and there was never any shaking. It was all very controlled, until the end where too much consciousness came into play.
I must say though I am disappointed with myself in giving over to the hormones and not doing something more with the lucid experience. But perhaps this experience of such control within a dream is a valid experience in it’s own right.
What do you make of it?